Farting on the Plane

brain fart that is.. ever since i saw the movie "big", i like eating
baby corn. i like doing my own laundry. i like the smell of clothes
that were dried by the sun and wind. i like folding my t-shirts my
own special way. i like drinking sprite and water. and milk. drank
a lot of milk when i was a kid, something i attribute to my height
now. but the milk in china tastes odd. never really been a huge cola
fan, except to mix with hennessy or crown. i like shanghai. a. lot.
but i also like southern california, it will always be home. just
wish the plane ride wasnt so long. one day, i'll return. for good.
maybe. i've lived in two of the four places i've always wanted to
live in. the last 2 could probably be combined for a twoferone. im
honest. i say what's on my mind. i have opinions. sometimes (most
of the time) i lack an inner filter. you can see how this might have
gotten me in trouble in politics; probably why i got out before i lost
my sanity or got recalled or both. i make decisions. always been
baffled about how some people are incapable of making decisions. i
get along pretty well with just about anyone. i think people anywhere
are never separated by more than three ___, four max. amongst chinese
people, its two or three at most. i forgot that word, dammit its
gonna bother me for the rest of the plane ride. i've never let petty
shit bother me. except sometimes. my sisters know how to push my
buttons, and sometimes i know how to push theirs. they are my best
friends. i still really like daft punk. saw them twice in concert.
great great shows. i live in an old shanghai lanehouse. not sure if
its really a lanehouse, but its a house in a lane, so whatever. i
like the people and culture around me. it fascinates me. people who
have lived there most of their lives and then me. they like to stare
at me, but not in a bad way. i think theyre just interested in who i
am, what im doing there. one of these days, ill wake up early enough
and ask if i can join in on their morning exercise. or maybe hang out
with the old men in the warm summer evenings drinking beer and
speaking shanghainese. except i dont know shanghainese. just sit
there and smile. i curse a lot. in english. still learning chinese
cursing. when i first moved here, the worst thing i can say is "you
are a very bad man" or "you are a rotten egg", since they don't
understand 'fuck you'. not exactly phrases to express mock anger. i
dont think people in china actually get angry.. much of it is mock
anger. more like they're mad/annoyed b/c of "loss of face". i hate
driving. yes i know, born and raised in LAish. car culture. nobody
walks in LA. seriously, its nice to not drive. i dont even know what
radio stations in LA are good anymore. i really liked indie 103.1,
but they went belly up right before i moved to china. and arrow 93
was gone awhile ago. i hope LA isnt too foreign to me. or is it me
who has changed? i dont understand carbon offsetting or credits.
isn't everyone still polluting exactly the same, except that some
people are getting really rich by selling the credits to polluters so
that they can advertise that theyre saving the planet. well since
for the most part i havent driven for almost 1.5 years, does that mean
i can drive a dirty diesel emitting bulldozer when i get back to
socal. you know to make up for all those carbon credits ive saved up
by not driving? i like helping people, volunteering to serve the
community. always been active. found a good group of folks in
shanghai that like to do the same. its exciting that i get to shape a
"club" (for those who live in china, you will understand why i called
it a club and not an organization) in its infant stages. people learn
from each other and feed off our collective energies. its pretty
cool. hope that it never gets too administrative top-heavy and lose
its focus of helping people. ive been involved with something like
that in the past, and pretty much everyone gets really disillusioned.
i hate that feeling. degrees of separation. finally thought of it.
whew.

http://shangbert.blogspot.com

P L A & the voice

So finally the Expo has started in Shanghai after an eight-year wait
or whatever it was. There were a few things in the weeks leading up
to it that was deserves mentioning. I love the Shanghai metro
system. It's way more convenient than anywhere in the US (NYC?), way
cleaner than anywhere else I've been to in the world (haven't been to
Tokyo), and way cheaper than any big city anywhere (except Beijing,
but that city and the metro system sucks shit). I used to take the
subway everyday, but ever since I started my current job (an 8-minute
walk from home to work), I don't take it nearly as often.

Two weeks before the Expo, I decided go to the gym after some heavy
weekend partying. Right before I enter the station, there's two P L
A (P eop le's Lib era tion Ar my) so ldie rs standing out front
"guarding" the entrance. I first thought something was wrong, so I
asked them if I could go in. No response, but other people were going
in. Anyways, I find out that every Metro station entrance in Shanghai
has two P L A so ldi ers out front. Think about it. I'm not sure
how many metro stations there are. There are 12 current subway lines,
with about 20 stations on each line, with on average 5 exits per
station. That's a lot of P L A so ldie rs. I guess they have to do
something, since there's no current conflicts or wars that the country
is in. Might as well be providing a false sense of sec ur ity to the
good people of Shanghai.

Two more things I noticed about the metro. The automated voice used
to say "The next station is People's Square. Please alight from the
left side." As someone fluent in American English, it used to bother
me that the voice said "alight". I mean really, who the fuck says
alight? But after awhile, I just stopped noticing. Recently, the
voice changed "alight" to "exit". Ahhh... makes much more sense. The
other thing the voice changed was "interchange" to "transfer" as in:
"The next station is Changshu Lu, transfer station to Line 7. Please
EXIT from the left side."

Maybe these changes were made to appease (yeah right) the large influx
of foreign tourists to the Expo that wasn't made for them. More about
that later..

http://shangbert.blogspot.com

Pukey Dude

Only 4 more hours to go. I think this is a 12 hour flight. I've been
awake for most of it, which is not good, b/c I'll pass out at lunch
later with my parents and sister. Just gotta survive the weekend.
Probably won't be drinking as much/at all since I have to drive and
also I'll still be jet-lagged. I puked earlier on the plane. I think
it was the first time I've ever puked on a plane and (hence) first
time I've ever had to use the puke bag for puke. It wasn't really
puke though, it was just food that I had just eaten came up. I think
airline food is too salty, so it all just came up. Yes, I was the
asshole who was making pukey noises while other people around me were
trying to enjoy their lovely rice and noodle meals. Anyways, I'm
going to request the "low-sodium" or "vegetarian" meals from now on to
avoid being that pukey dude.

http://shangbert.blogspot.com

food critic for ghetto dummies blog

so yeah about those food critics that i mentioned in the last post.  my next blogging idea is to start a bog called "food critic for ghetto dummies".  here in shanghai, theres a few expat magazines that (imo) get really REALLY carried away in their restaurant reviews.  half the problem is that some of the reviews are submitted by readers, so i think they try to write impressive reviews so that they will get published.  so in this post, i will write an example of an over-the-top food review, then i will provide what a food review from the "food critic for ghetto dummies" blog would look like.

them:  tucked away in an old, tree-lined french concession lane, restaurant X was a pleasure to enjoy.  the interiors were magnificent.  the wooden floors were made from old pirate ships that were salvaged from the mythical city of atlantis.  the tables are zero carbon and the silverware melted down from qing dynasty iron pots.  the romantic ambience was aided by soft green-friendly, locally-sourced lighting.  the servers were friendly and spoke 65 different languages, and their clothes were made from cage-free unicorn fur.  i ordered the chops de pork.  it was served with a luscious mushroom cream sauce, which i paired with a wonderful vintage wine from the 1600s.  i also ordered a plate of sauteed to perfection free-range, organic, free-trade, and of course zero carbon bread.  the LEED Platinum certified bathroom had a delectable design of porcelain, ceramic, and stainless steel.  and blah blah blah

food critic for ghetto dummies:  food was good.  good value.  would come back.  

basically, the food critic for ghetto dummies blog would answer three basic questions.  

1. was the food good?
2. was the restaurant a good value?
3. would you come back?

boom.  done. 

http://shangbert.blogspot.com

ph-blogging?

finally got a chance to update this blog.  been an infrequent blogger, this i know.  was thinking on the plane that i dont take enough pictures in shanghai.  one reason is that my camera sucks shit b/c ive dropped it multiple times, but the other reason is b/c its just a simple point-and-shoot and the quality leaves much to be desired.  i may need to upgrade my camera soon.  still thinking about starting a photo blog, but some photo blogs only take pictures of food.  i can never remember to take pictures of my food.  im usually too busy eating it.  plus youre basically telling the world that youre a huge wannabe food critic douchebag.  anyways came across a really cool photoblog recently run by my buddy.  check it out -- www.phogger.com

http://shangbert.blogspot.com

on my way to work..

the things that i see on my way to work..

i live really close to my office. i mean, really close. a brisk 8-10
minute walk, or a 3-5 minute bike ride, and i'm there. i know i
haven't blooged enough about where i live. its on a classic old
street, but really close to a sub-major metro station. very
convenient to everything. i live on the 1st floor of an old lane
house with old shanghainese people all around me. they've probably
have lived in that small community for their whole life. i still get
odd stares sometimes. and they're really nosy. but that's fine, i
can use an extra pair of eyes on my place as i'm not at home that
much. anyways, i'll touch upon my living situation more later.

this morning, i swear i saw kanye west. if kanye west is my height,
then yes that was him. walking on my street. but since i think he's
an arrogant asshole, i didn't say hello. walking a bit further, i saw
an old man come out of a hair salon while still wearing the apron. it
looks like he just got his hair dyed jet black. b/c it looked like he
was wearing black concrete on his head. he was talking on his cell
phone and trying to get on his bike at the same time, while still
wearing the hair salon apron. kinda funny.

my current apartment is the 3rd place i've lived in shanghai. 1st was
the dorm room, 2nd was the apartment on huaihai zhong lu with the
terrace, and now the old lane house. when i was looking for my 2nd
apartment, i almost signed a lease with an apartment that's a few
hundred feet away from my current office. its on yanqing lu, this
cool little street connecting changshu lu and the 5-street
intersection (fumin, xinle, donghu, changle, yanqing) it was the size
of a studio apartment. small living area, narrow kitchen, and a small
front yard with a huge palm tree. the landlord wanted 7,500rmb a
month. back then, i was still kinda ignorant about average rental
prices in shanghai. i was still using an LA rental prices as
comparison (huge mistake). 7,500rmb is about $1,200, and i thought it
was a reasonable price to live in the thick of things. i really liked
the place, but thought i could get less rent elsewhere (true).
ultimately, i didn't sign on.

good thing i didn't. first, the rent was way too much. the landlord
was trying to make a killing on ignorant laowais like me. my current
place is pretty comparable, has more sunlight, and nicer neighborhood,
and i pay WAY less than 7,500rmb per month. second, apparently
others felt this way too. whenever i would pass by, i would stop in
and take a look. the place sat empty for a long time, and may still
be empty. third, and this is most important, there was a little small
room connected to the apartment that faced yanqing lu. it wasn't part
of the rental space though, i think the landlord might have used it
for storage. apparently, about a month or two ago, he decided to rent
out that small room and a local eatery moved in. so now everyday that
little eatery with about 3 tiny folding tables inside is open from the
crack of dawn to the late evening, packed with loud chatty people.
had i moved in, i would be awaken every morning with the cacophony of
high-decibel shanghainese and the persistent odor of grease. i'm
really glad i didn't move in. whew, felt like i dodged a bullet there..

http://shangbert.blogspot.com

Douchbaggery is not limited...

to just French people in Shanghai. Now the French-created "sport" of
parkour is invading Shanghai. Read here http://www.cnngo.com/shanghai/play/jump-shanghai-parkour-745026

Great. Now, not only do I have to avoid buses, trucks, cars, taxis,
scooters, bikes, and slow pedestrians; but I have to look out for and
avoid parkour people jumping over street signs or bouncing off phone
booths when I'm out and about town.. Wonderful. Really.

http://shangbert.blogspot.com